bigtips

How do I get my girlfriend to come out of the 1980s?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone This week's theme? Quick and dirty.

Dear Big Tipper,

My girlfriend still wears a black bra under a white shirt and thinks it looks cool. Will you tell her it's completely '80s?

Madonna and Sandra are Dead

Dear Blahsierre,

She could skip the bra altogether, which sounds like something that would bug you more. It's hard to separate from a style that worked for you, especially if it made you feel queer at an important time.

That's why there are a lot of people with ear cuffs and tails and Doc Martins and pegged pants and pinky rings and black and purple and labrys tattoos and DAs and Prince Alberts and

tongue

piercings and Celine Dione concert T-shirts.

As sure as there are old

women in the grocery store today with Mamie Eisenhower bangs, there will be old queers in

P-town, 50 years from now, in matching neon pink running suits and “I'm Not Gay, But My Girlfriend Is" T-shirts. Time speeds up when you get older, and it doesn't seem possible that you could have a 20-year-old T-shirt, but apparently you do—and by the way, you wore it just last night.

If it bugs you that much, buy her some sexy white bras. But, my personal opinion is that it's much less exhausting to deal with a little Madonna-wanna than to keep up with

the area right after you shave. It keeps irritating bacteria down. I hope the fun time was worth it! (Next time, his butt in the air.)

Dear Big Tipper,

My sweetie's yoni used to smell like a regular garden. Lately it's been smelling like a garden, but not the flower kind. She smells like garlic! Why would this happen? Pungent Petunia

Dear From Clover to Clove,

Hmm, pizza puss. You could sprinkle her with Romano cheese and enjoy her with a

BIG TIPS

nice Montepulciano. Or, you could figure out what has changed radically in her diet. You are what you eat. In this case, you eat what she ate. Diet can change how we smell: curry can start coming out in our sweat.

Garlic and other strong flavors show up in puss juice and semen; even breast milk. Have you found a new favorite restaurant or does she have lunch at the same place every day near work? Of course, she

could have an infection, but if she's specifically smelling like the clove, then it definitely sounds like diet. More rose hip tea for your lady.

Dear Big Tipper,

When my boyfriend and I sleep together, even if we're not having sex right then, he has a big hard-on. Normally this is fabulous, and I love "Mr. Dickens," but sometimes when I

the queer gear du jour after a certain length of feel it poking me in the back when I know

time. Whatever. I'm a geezer.

Dear Big Tipper,

My boyfriend convinced me to let him shave my butthole. Now it's growing out, and it is so itchy I feel like I can barely go to work and behave normally.

What can I do?

Got Me by Those Short Hairs

Dear Itchy and Scratchy,

Got good benefits? Stay home and scratch. There's not a damn thing you can do to stop the grow-out itchies. You can avoid razor bumps by 'rubbing some solid deodorant on

we're done for the night, it pisses me off.

It's not as if he has a hard-on all day in his pants; it's just at the right times, but also, always, in bed. I don't want to talk to him about it, because it's not his fault, but it's driving me crazy. By the way, I'm a queer girl. Every once in a while, a boy looks tasty to me, you know?

Dear Wood Chuck,

Poke Over

Well, girlie, you like the man meat, but only on your terms, eh? It's all well and good when you have an itch to be scratched, but heaven forfend that penis should have a life

of its own! Dreams! Goals! Places to go! Things to see! Harrumph.

But of course, you're right; he can't help it. And it sounds like the bed is a place with all the right feelings for your sweetie: he obviously has nothing but good feelings about it. Don't feel pressured by the poker, since you seem able to stop when you wish.

If you really just don't like being jabbed, just spoon him from the back, or sleep on your own side of the bed. There are a lot of men and women who would envy you this problem. I'd mention it frequently at bars.

Dear Big Tipper,

I've read on the package that you're not supposed to dye your eyebrows or eyelashes. Is it safe to dye your pubes?

Dear Dyed in the Wool,

Dyeing To

You're not supposed to dye your facial

hair because you may blind yourself, and sue Clairol's ass. And I'm sure bleach and dye aren't very good at all for any tender regions. That said, my friends and I have bleached and dyed every square inch of what can be dyed, and so far, have suffered no ill effects except regret over many an unfortunate look.

Be sure to do "the patch test" before you slather yourself with any of these harsh chemicals. I always skipped it for my head because I figured the color would be interesting no matter how it turned out, but what if you're allergic? A shaved butt would be like an itchy day in the park compared to that.

Your thought for the day: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides." -Yiddish proverb

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone(a drizzle.com.

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